Goodbye

Last year, which I really do have to say now, I dated a woman who I had a great time with. Things took a surprising and unfortunate turn for the worse and we sadly but amicably parted ways. Though I'd felt strongly towards her, I figured I'd get over it quickly as we'd only dated for almost two months.

Here I am many months later and I still haven't gotten over her. She's been hovering in my thoughts for this entire time and despite my attempts to move forward, something's kept her there. I'm fairly sure I know what it is now, and I think I know what I need to do... I need to say goodbye.

I did say goodbye to her, but I didn't get to say everything I needed to say. Now I need to say them. I don't know if she ever even got this blog location, or if she did if she follows me or not. I wouldn't if I were her. So me posting this may be just talking to myself. But I think it's important that I put into words what I need to say. Writing what I need to say has a permanency to it that thinking does not. I hope that this is what I need to finally move on.

Yes, this post will be very personal, but I'll maintain appropriate anonymity levels.

Dear Shock,

It's been, well, a pathetically long time since you said we couldn't be together. I know this isn't anyone's fault, and I know it's not what you wanted, but that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing this to explain a few things it's taken me this long to figure out.

When we parted ways I figured you would get over me in short order and wouldn't waste time looking for someone else. I thought I would too. I went on some dates, met some people, but nothing really stuck. Then I gave up. I didn't try anymore. I chalked it up to a temporary slump, but it's persisted to this day.

When Valentines Day hit yesterday and I saw some of the most foul pessimism about the day and some of the most wonderful and heartfelt attempts it finally made me admit something.

I was with you for less than two months, but in that short time I fell in love with you.

It's not just that I wanted to have someone to give flowers to yesterday, it was that I wanted to give them to you. I wanted to be able to do something sappy and stupid and get you to smile that smile at me. I wanted you to laugh at some stupid joke I made, or throw a chocolate at my head, or comment on my shirt. I didn't care what it was, I just wanted you to be there.

I am intensely aware that this is pathetic. You're some woman I met online who I went on some dates with. Yeah it was great, but it ended and I should have moved on. But you know what? I didn't.

To say you were great isn't sufficient. To say you amazed me doesn't even begin to cover it.

You left me breathless, stuttering, and blushing like every time we were together.

Things weren't perfect, even in my rose colored glasses. You and I were eventually going to have a knock-down, drag-out brawl over astrology and other magical thinking at some point. It's possible we wouldn't have made it past that point. My skeptical thinking and your open mind were bound to have clashes. But I didn't care.

I wanted to try, to give it my all, to be someone you could be proud of being with. I wanted to know that even though we disagreed, we still cared enough to respect each others opinions. I wanted to be with you for more than a few dates. Those fantasies of being with you forever were more than I gave them credit for. I wanted to walk in my parents door with you on my arm and watch that potential catastrophe all the while smiling knowing that you would be with me, no matter what they thought. I wanted my friends to meet you and finally get why I was so excited. I wanted my sister to approve.

None of this will ever happen. I know that. And it hurts to say this, but I'm finally ready to accept that. Goodbye then was goodbye forever. I've immortalized you in my writing, but beyond that, you are gone, out of my reach forever. It's come to this...

I loved you. I really did. I wanted forever with you. But that dream is over. It's finally time to say it and to really, really mean it.

I miss you.

Goodbye.

-S