Flying Solo

Today I reached a very important goal in my life: I ended my CBT sessions with my therapist. I didn't say "I don't feel like doing this anymore" and just quit. I didn't even bring the subject up. My therapist asked me if I felt that I was ok to start trying to make it in life without her help. She was encouraged by my recent successes, without much anxiety, in life, and job, and dating. And, as she had very good points, I took her up on her challenge.

This may seem like a bad idea to some of you, and I do have some reservations about being on my own again, but, to horribly massacre a metaphor, I have been riding the bike of life with the helping hand of therapy firmly on the handle of improvement while I traverse the rocky road of life, job, and dating. Over time the hand's grip on the handle has grown looser as I've gotten better, but eventually, as with every parent trying to give their children permanent road burn scars, the hand has to let go to let the bike so that he who rides the bike can move on and prove that he can ride without help or crash and burn and run screaming back to mom with blood dribbling out of his multiple wounds.

A perhaps less stupid way of putting it is: The next step in getting better is to do it alone. I'll still have my psychiatrist to help me, but he's more of a passive observer than a direct influence on my mental health. The drugs he gives me are what I need most now.

And, in case you were worried, there's no way in hell I'm going off the drugs. I ain't that much better. The drugs were necessary to get me to the point in life where I could actually get better. Now that I am improving, over time, perhaps I will begin to decrease the drugs, but for now, they keep me in a holding pattern of good health. With time, in theory, I will continue to get better, and will slowly lose the need for the drugs. I expect I'll always have trouble sleeping and will have occasional anxiety attacks, but it is my hope that I'll get to the point where the drugs will be there to help when I need them and I won't always need them. This may not be for years, but it's a goal.

And while I may be flying solo, I won't be alone because I know you'll always be there for me.